The messy middle

more thoughts on creative chaos

Recently I have been working on my first two illustrated children’s books - one is a picture book, and one is illustrated non-fiction. I always knew that making my first book(s) would be a steep learning curve - in fact, I was hoping they would be - I felt that it would be a wonderful growth period and help me get better. But, wow, the reality of it has been so much harder than I imagined! 

Learning, by its very nature, means you are coming from a place of unknowing, which, as an abstract thought, feels…ok, but the reality of that “unknowing” is so much more visceral, and painful than I ever imagined.

So, rewind a few years back; In 2019 I left my job in children’s publishing - I was Head of Campbell Books when I left, and had been there 15 years - to pursue a new life as a children’s book illustrator. Although I was happy and creatively fulfilled in my job in many ways, I also felt something was missing - I suppose a sense of my own creative fulfilment. Rewind further than that, and back in around 2014, I had begun drawing again, and what began as a curiosity (I wonder if I can still draw? do I still like drawing? Am I any good?) became a fully-fledged passion. And that passion turned into a desire to actually try it out as a career. I had always thought I would be an “artist” - I drew obsessively all of my childhood, and after doing a Foundation Course in Art & Design, did a BA in Fine Art Painting. I have written about this a lot, but it genuinely was something of a no-brainer for me - I will be an artist! It was somewhat of a surprise when I found myself aged 38 and not an artist!

So, back to learning - since I started drawing again back in 2014, I had many, many moments of “growing pain” - I think the reason there is such a vibrant community of learner illustrators out there is that it is one of those things that feels so amazing and creatively fulfilling, and yet, so so hard!  Yes, at work I was always learning on the job to some extent, but there was always a team of people there for support; morning catch-ups with colleagues where you chat through the jobs for the day; figuring out how you will solve that day’s problem. That learning was challenging, yes, but it felt smooth and linear, in a way. If it was a slope, it would be a slight incline, progressively 1-2% increases week-by-week, month-by-month. And you are working in a fast turnaround in publishing, any hiccups, you can quickly adjust with the next book project. 

Making the decision to follow my passion for drawing, and to try and turn that into an illustration career, well, if it were a slope, it would be a steep incline, more of a mountain, if you will. Sometimes, it can feel like it’s just way too ambitious, you can’t see the peak, and all you know is you need to keep climbing upwards. Sometimes you hit what you think is some sort of peak - ahhh, am I there yet? When, in fact, all you have done is hit a flat bit of land for a bit, before the next incline. Finishing the MA was a bit like that. I thought, am I there? I have certainly created some books I feel somewhat satisfied, even proud of.

Getting these illustration commissions felt like the natural next step, and I (sort of) felt ready for them. But creating new pictures, for new things, without fellow MA students or teachers, work colleagues to chat to, turn to for mutual support, it’s been, well, a steep learning curve. It has been hard to keep my confidence in check, and I am liable to feel frustrated, only able to see what can be improved, all the mistakes, and generally feel unsatisfied. 

But I have also learned something about perseverance paying off. I originally wanted to call this the last 5%, because there was a period when I was getting very dispirited about my artwork during the making of it. I would get to a point, towards the end of a piece, when I had spent hours on it, and it just felt totally disastrous. There was one piece that I had spent all day on, I got to the end of the day, with the light fading, and felt utterly despairing of it. I was actually teaching the next day, so that feeling stayed with me all day - I hope I was extra sympathetic that day! - I actually woke up the following day feeling resolved to just call it a day and start again, which was scary, as I don’t have lots of time to re-do artwork. But I remember thinking: well, I may as well… and decided just to add a few more bits to it - and, well, maybe just keep going a bit longer, and… crucially, I started adding in all the final touches. I was amazed by how much I was able to bring it together. I ended up feeling pretty pleased with that piece (well, most of it!).  I slowly began to realise - you need to keep going, sometimes right to the end, to find out if it’s going to work out. Sometimes, you are actually just in the messy middle.

As I started to formulate this post, thinking about the last 5% I realised that, yes, that last 5% is important, but it feels bigger than that. I feel I have learned, at a basic level, to not stop a piece of work while it looks hopeless - because it is totally possible that it is just unfinished, and needs to be pulled together at the end. But in a larger sense, it actually works perfectly as a metaphor for my whole creative journey as well! That messiness, the chaos that I often find myself in (that’s a whole other post! I could write a PhD on my creative chaos!) isn’t the endpoint. Sometimes, while I have been making these books - and I know this sounds horribly dramatic! - I have found myself thinking: maybe this isn’t for me, I should just paint pretty pictures outdoors, it’s too hard!! I can’t do it! But that moment, metaphorically, is the point in a picture, when all I can see is my messy base layer; nothing is defined, it all looks a bit meh, there’s no definition. 

Metaphorically, I’m halfway up the next steep incline, I can’t see the next peak (maybe it’s foggy in this metaphorical scenario), maybe I’m low on water, down to my last energy bar, I’m thinking, maybe I’ll just turn around, downhill is so much easier. But if I keep going, maybe that next piece of flat ground is just a few steps away…and I can rest and look at the view for a bit. In my own creative journey, if I can just keep going, there will be growth and moments of satisfaction, on the other side.  

Thinking about these things is so helpful for me. It really does help me move up that slope. What do you think? Does this resonate with you? Have you not given up and found a reward at the other end? Are you currently in the messy middle? Let me know, I’d love to chat about it!

Ella xx

I made this “keep going” print during the MA, when I realised how much I just need to “keep going” above all, so it’s interesting to realise that ultimately, I find myself there again. You can buy it in my shop, link below

You can buy this print here.