Self Esteem

A personal exploration

I like to write these personal essays on the subject that is uppermost in my mind at any given time - you know the sort of thing, that no matter what is going on for you, you end up coming up against it. We live in an attic bedroom, and I often underestimate how high the ceiling is, and crash my head against the sloped ceiling. It actually feels a  lot like that - I’m going about my day…maybe I’m sketching or painting, maybe I come across a book, an instagram post, and whack, I have slammed into a feeling of - how can I describe it? Fear - that I’m just not good enough; a sinking feeling - a sort of what is the point? whump in the pit of my stomach.

I know why it is, not that it helps - well, maybe it does help a little bit to know why…! I have stepped right out of my comfort zone: a job I had been doing for 20 years, into the unknown. Metaphorically, I have come out of my cave and I am exposed to all of the predators that I was nice and safe from in my lovely, safe cave. 

Don’t get me wrong, I needed to come out of my cave - I was yearning for it. In the metaphor, I was peering through the gap, looking at all the luscious landscape outside,  getting glimpses of new exciting things, catching moments of birdsong… I needed to do it. And it’s been amazing. I feel like I have packed so much into the last four years since I left work. It felt like in work, for years would go by in a flash, but since leaving, time has slowed down. I have been able to do the exploring I wanted to do.

A moment of exploring!

And…

It’s also challenged my sense of competence, confidence; the ease with which I was able to do things. At work, if I was given a task, a book to create, an illustrator to find, a cover to design, it’s not like it would just be easy breezy, but I had a sense of… I’ve done this before, I reckon know what to do. And because I had done it so often, many times over, there was a sense of smoothness with the way I did things. I don’t know why, but I’m thinking of a watchmaker that has made hundreds of watches and knows exactly how to assemble all the tiny springs, cogs, screws (ummm, what else! I’m clearly not a watchmaker!). Yes, they might come across a tricky one, maybe it’s rusted and needs extra care, it’s dented, an unusual model, but they have done the groundwork - they have a foundation to build on.

So I think I know why I am feeling like this, but it doesn’t stop it being bloody painful! I often find myself wringing my hands dramatically and thinking Why do I feel this way? and why won’t it go away!!? These are some of the things I have been thinking…

Familiarity breeds contempt

I had a breakthrough towards the end of the MA. It was the last term, and although I had been making steady progress during the different modules, and had painted two books, I still didn’t feel like I had a consistent way of working. Call it what you want - a style, a visual language, a way of working that felt like mine, and one I felt I would be able to use for future projects. And it came about because I had a moment, a brief spell when I was able to talk myself into letting go of worrying about what I wanted to be, and an acceptance - albeit a slightly weary acceptance - of myself, warts and all.

I remember it so clearly. I had been going through a phase of looking at all the children’s book illustrators that I loved and admired, and comparing myself to them, not only that, but measuring myself up to them: getting frustrated with all the ways I wasn’t them. I was looking a lot at Joo Hee Yoon, who I think is just brilliant, and so clever, and I thought there must be an artist in me who made cool screen-printy art like her. At the same time, I would look at Laura Carlin, with her soft, beautifully rendered artwork and want to make art like her.

I was still really struggling with a fear of drawing from imagination. It just felt unbelievably scary and exposing to me. Every time I made a drawing it would make me cringe. And I swear, I just had one of those end-of-my-tether moments where I just couldn’t do it any more. I remember thinking: I can’t go on like this! It was a sort of thought process where I thought I’m going to have to accept who I am right now! There’s no way around it. I might not like the way I draw people, but other people don’t seem to mind so much. I remember that, although it felt at best, meh, to me, at worst, super cringe, I had this suspicion that it wouldn’t seem that way to other people. I had this understanding that A) they are looking at it with fresh eyes and B) people are a lot more generous about my art than I am about it (I still use this thought when I am cringing about something!).

And so, I decided to let go of my need to be someone else and to stay in my own lane. It became such a helpful thought, I made an affirmation print about it! It was after this moment that I had my big breakthrough on the MA and I found my “voice”. It was the beginning of a phase of development and self-trust. I let myself make the drawings I was afraid of making, and that was all I needed. Yes, not all of them were great, but by doing the bad and the cringe ones, I allowed myself the space to make more successful ones too!

The print Stay in Your Own Lane

You do it to yourself you do, and that’s what really hurts

Publishing a book - my first book - has been amazing. I feel so proud of it and of myself for doing it. But… the week before it published was like torture to me. I was petrified of how people would receive it. I kept singling out tiny things I wish I could have changed if I’d just had the time/talent/inspiration and imagining my worst critic looking at it: well, she’s not very good is she? Why’s she got a book deal!? Who does she think she is?

I was on a walk with a wonderful wise friend that week, and talking about my fears and insecurities, and she said something that just hit home so powerfully. We were talking about self-criticism and self-esteem, and I knew I was being self-critical, and then she said something that felt like another crash into the metaphorical attic ceiling: You are being the very person you are afraid of and then you’re bullying yourself! I realised that by worrying about all the people I was afraid would be criticising me and my work, I was literally conjuring them up and creating the very person I was afraid of - I was Frankenstein creating the monster¹! If I didn’t do it to myself, it could stop. I could be free! I spent the next few days in a sort of daze of revelation.

You know when you know something, but you don’t know… it’s not clicked, and then when it does it sort of changes you! I think I was shocked at what a horrible person I had created, and I was letting them attack me - it hit home quite how unkind I was being to myself!! It helped me let go of all of those criticisms and try to enjoy the publication of my very first book. And I do feel proud of it. Four years ago, before I started the MA, I had never even attempted illustration. I had drawn a ton, loads of observational drawing, but nothing from imagination (apart from doodles in the side of my notes in meetings, does that count?) So when I think that in four years, I have learned to fully illustrate a book like that, I feel amazingly proud. There is another part of me that is championing me, cheering me on. I realised I needed to let that part out more, and let them shout a bit more!

a spread from The Night Before Christmas

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So, where does that leave me? Well, I think my challenge is always going to be a loud inner critic. I haven’t gone into it too much here, because it feels so personal. But maybe it is useful to touch on… I was a pretty sensitive child. I was a daydreamer, prone to drift off and tune out of conversations and get lost on my own little world². I was naive, shy, trusting and as I’ve said before, I found it difficult to blend in, which meant that I was an easy target for bullies. I’m sure that I’m not the only artist who went through this sort of experience. I now see that my sensitivity and daydreaming became my strengths. But it also means that I am extra wary of the world - on the lookout for imaginary bullies, and frustratingly, actually bullying myself and it’s something I need to watch out for.

So, where does that leave us? Where have my musings taken me? Well, I think just being more aware of why I am doing it and why I am feeling this way goes a long way to calming my inner critic. I have also been doing quite a bit of reading around it, listening to podcasts, I’ve also done therapy a few times in the last few years, which helps a lot, and I even joined a membership.

Here are some things I’ve found especially helpful:

Byron Katie’s Four questions:
Have you come across Byron Katie? I read Loving What Is earlier this year and found it so helpful She has four questions she says you can ask yourself to get out of a negative headspace:

Question 1: Is it true?
Question 2: Can you absolutely know it's true?
Question 3: How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought? Question 4: Who would you be without the thought?
Then she says: Can you turn the thought around?

Maisie Hill - Why are you making that a problem?
I came across Maisie Hill some time last year, before I was due to have my hysterectomy. She had written a book called Period Power, which is all about understanding your hormones. So it felt perfect for me. She has a membership, which is super expensive, but I felt that it was worth the expense for a bit of extra support during what I expected could be a tricky hormonal time. It turned out that her membership was about so much more than hormones. She is autistic and has a unique way of looking at the world. She talks a lot about radical self-acceptance, and I found it all so helpful. One questions she used to ask sometimes that always gave me a double take was: Why are you making it a problem? If I was finding it difficult to make a piece of art, asking myself: why am I making that a problem? was so helpful. I didn’t need to add self criticism into the mix when I was already finding things hard enough.

If you suffer from a cruel and undermining inner critic, I want to leave you with these thoughts.

1. Are you stretching yourself right now? Are you out of your comfort zone? If you answer yes to these questions, be kind to yourself. Learning new things isn’t easy, and you will find it hard. It’s normal to find things hard when you’re learning. I try to think that even though it feels bad, it is actually good, because I am stretching myself, learning and growing.

2. Next time you sit down to draw/write/create and you say something along the lines of why are you doing that? You can’t do that! Look how crap it is!! to yourself. Remember, don’t be the person that is mean to you! Be the nice person, cheering yourself on! You can do this! Nice try!

3. Questin your thoughts I especially like: who would I be without that thought? and why are you making that a problem?

4. And I know I always bang on about this, but I recommend The Artists Way to really get to know yourself and who your inner critic is.

I’d love to know what you think. Are you self-critical? What helps you manage your inner critic? I’d love to know all your thoughts!

Yours lovingly,
Ella xx

1. Although, when you’ve read Frankenstein, you realise the monster isn’t such a monster after all.

2. I broke my arm once because I was standing daydreaming in the playground and a football flew into my wrist. It was pretty exciting actually, the headmaster drove me to the hospital in his red convertible car!